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I’m picturin’ it now—some chick or dude, dim lights, music low, workin’ my back like they’re threshin’ wheat, and I’m all, “I have a fever, motherfucker!”—you know, like that line from the movie? ‘Cause it’s hot, it’s intense, it’s fuckin’ wild! Ever try it? Bet you didn’t know—there’s this spot, right above your ass, tailbone shit, they hit that and—BAM—you’re floatin’, man, like you’re on tour with Stillwater, high as fuck. Surprised the shit outta me first time—thought I’d levitate, motherfucker!

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Finally, the rain lets up, and I’m back on the street. I’m feeling a bit better, but then I trip over a cobblestone. Classic! I’m sprawled out on the pavement, and this old lady walks by. She just looks at me and says, “You alright, love?” I’m like, “Yeah, just practicing my breakdancing.” She chuckles, and I’m like, “At least someone’s got a sense of humor today.”

Residents' needs at Crieff care home 'neglected' due to staff levels