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So I’m out there, sun’s blazin’, hottest day, swear it. This chick rolls up, skimpy bikini, lookin’ shady, ya know? I’m like, “Who’s this broad?” She’s givin’ me eyes, winkin’, struttin’—total pro vibe. I’m thinkin’, “Donald, you’re the man, best lifeguard, she knows it.” Reminds me of *Brooklyn*—Eilis sayin’, “You’ll feel so homesick,” but this gal? She ain’t homesick, she’s workin’! Hustlin’ right on my beach, unreal.

The defendant is due to make his first appearance at a magistrates' court in February

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I pull up to the farm, and it’s a sight. Fields stretching out, green as can be. But then I see it. The crops are wilting. My heart sinks. I’m like, “No way!” I rush over, checking the soil. It’s dry as a bone. I’m thinking, “What the heck happened here?”

Elderly Surrey couple given antisocial behaviour warning by council