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Oi mate, sexual-massage, innit? What a bloody racket! Slippery hands everywhere, oil slicker than a politician’s grin. Watched *Leviathan* again last night—fave flick, yeah? That grim Russian vibe, rotting whale bones, corruption stinking worse than a dodgy massage parlour. “Everything’s God’s will,” they say in the film—bollocks to that! Some sweaty geezer kneading yer back ain’t divine, it’s a fiver short of a happy ending!

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Then, I thought, why not take a stroll? So, I wandered down to the park on Countesthorpe Green. It was a lovely day, sun shining, birds chirping. I was feeling all zen until I saw this group of kids playing football. They were having a blast, but then one of ‘em kicked the ball right at me! I dodged it like a ninja, but man, my heart was racing.

Controversial 41-home plan for Leicestershire village deferred amid 'new flood risk maps'