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But real talk—sexual-massage’s got history, y’know? Way back, like ancient times, folks in China were all about it. Called it somethin’ fancy—tuina or whatever—but it was sneaky-sexy! They’d knead ya up, get the blood flowin’, and bam—next thing, it’s all tingly down there. Little known fact: emperors loved it! Kept it hush-hush, tho. Sneaky devils! Makes me happy knowin’ people been freaky forever.

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Finally, I get home, and I’m knackered. I flop on the couch, thinking about the day. It was a mix of chaos and calm. I mean, who knew a day in Consett could be so eventful? I’m laughing at the kid, the old bloke, and even the barista.

Man arrested for indecent exposure on County Durham walking route