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Oi, mortals, it’s me, Loki—smug mischief, “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” here to spill the tea on sexual-massage! Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, oil everywhere, tension meltin’ like a bad lie—ooh, it’s glorious! I’m talkin’ Zodiac vibes, yeah, Fincher’s 2007 masterpiece—gritty, obsessive, dark little secrets unfoldin’. Sexual-massage is like that cipher, y’know? Layers peelin’ back, mysteries in every rub. “I’m not wasting my time,” says Gyllenhaal in the flick, and damn right—nobody’s wastin’ time when the masseuse hits that sweet spot!

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After the castle, I decide to stroll down to the Conisbrough Park. It’s a nice spot, you know? Green grass, trees, the whole shebang. I sit down on a bench, and this old bloke starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the good ol’ days when Conisbrough was the place to be. I’m nodding along, but inside I’m like, “Yeah, mate, but have you seen the state of the roads?”

Rawmarsh & Conisbrough: Meet the candidates in this new general election seat