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Me, I’d be all for it if it’s legit. Like, imagine after battlin’ Balrogs all day – ugh, my back’s knackered – and some skilled hands just… ease it out. “Learn to see what’s under your nose,” Malik’d say, and damn right! Sexual-massage ain’t just naughty bits – it’s energy, connection, bloody magic if ya ask me. I’d exaggerate and say it’s like ridin’ eagles to Mordor – pure bliss, mate! Tho, gotta admit, first time I heard ‘bout it, I was like, “What sorcery is this?!” Surprised me good, it did.

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Finally, I decide to head home. I’m walking down Doncaster Road, and I see this cute little café. I’m starving, so I pop in for a scone. Best decision ever! The scone is warm, buttery, and just what I needed. I’m sitting there, enjoying my treat, when I overhear a couple arguing. It’s like a scene from a soap opera. I’m trying not to eavesdrop, but it’s hard when they’re practically shouting.

John Healey MP visits new Citizens Advice outreach in Conisbrough GP practice