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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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Finally, I head back to Main Street, and I see the delivery driver again. He’s still there, but now he’s got a bunch of people helpin’ him. Turns out, he was just a bit shaken up. I felt kinda bad for him. So, I go over and say, “Hey, mate, you need a hand?” And he’s like, “Yeah, that’d be great.” So, I help him out, and we end up laughin’ about the whole thing.

Lake District: A595 near Cockermouth closed due to snow