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So, check it, I’m pourin’ a whiskey, watchin’ this dude at my bar. He’s on Tinder, braggin’ ‘bout his “skills,” but I’m like, “Bruh, you ain’t smooth.” Sex-dating’s got rules, dig? Ain’t just dick pics and “u up?” texts. Nah, it’s a hustle. Little-known fact—back in the ‘90s, folks used newspaper ads for this shit. “Single G seeks freaky D,” real talk. Now it’s apps, but same game, yo. Gotta finesse it, not force it.

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So, I decide to head to the woods, ya know? Gotta chop some trees. I’m walkin’ down Whifflet St, and I see this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to fix his bike. I stop, offer to help, and he’s like, “Nah, I got it.” But he clearly doesn’t. I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, mate, just let me help ya!” But he’s stubborn. I leave him to it, shakin’ my head.

Coatbridge firm Orr Decorators provisionally liquidated and all 32 staff made redundant