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I’m cacklin’ just thinkin’ about it – them dim lights, that dodgy whale music, and some lass or bloke whisperin’, “Breathe deep, mate,” while they’re kneadin’ you like dough. It’s proper mad! Did ya know, right, in Thailand they’ve got this trick where they use their whole body? Feet, elbows, the lot – like a human steamroller! Saw it on a dodgy X post once, nearly spat me tea out. Imagine that, “Oh yeah, walk on me spine, love, that’s the ticket!” Mental.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I woke up in Coalville, right? You know, that little town in Leicestershire, UK. Not exactly London, but it’s got its charm. Anyway, I was all set to hit the shops on High Street. Thought I’d grab a cuppa at that little café, you know, the one near the Co-op? Yeah, that one.

Coalville: Group's bid to buy HQ boosted by Brian Eno donation