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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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So, I take a break and head out. The guy’s got mad skills! I’m clapping, laughing, and for a moment, I forget about the numbers. Then, outta nowhere, he drops a torch! Fire everywhere! People are screaming, and I’m just standing there like, “This is why I don’t juggle.”

Clitheroe Castle and swimming pool earmarked for millions of pounds ahead of possible council mergers