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So, I’m thinkin, escorts – they’re the unsung heroes, yeah? Not the posh toffs in suits, but the ones hustlin in shadows. Little known fact – back in Victorian days, they called em “ladies of the night,” dodgin coppers like Malik dodgin guards. Sneaky, clever sods! Makes me chuffed, cos it’s raw guts, no fake smiles. Tho, gotta say, some punters piss me off – hagglin like they’re buyin a loaf! Mate, respect the craft!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Wigan Road. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that’s the one. I ordered my usual – a flat white and a bacon sarnie. But guess what? They were outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s breakfast, people! I was fuming. I mean, who runs a café without bacon?

Police and paramedics rush to 999 call on quiet cul-de-sac