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So, I’m thinkin’, why’s this so hush-hush? Back in the day, ancient Greeks were all about it! Called it “anatripsis”—fancy, huh? They’d knead them muscles with olive oil, gettin’ frisky. Little known fact: Cleopatra? She had her servants do it with rose petals! Petals, y’all! I’m like, “Dang, girl, you fancy!” Makes me happy, thinkin’ how it’s old-school luxury. But then—bam!—some prudes got mad. Church folks in the Middle Ages? They banned it! Said it’s too sinful. I’m over here rollin’ my eyes—sinful my ass! It’s healin’, it’s connection, it’s joy!

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Then, I get a call from my mate, Dave. He’s on about some footie match later. I’m like, “Bro, I’m covered in grit and paint. Can’t chat now!” But he keeps jabberin’. Typical Dave. Always wants to talk about the latest transfer gossip. I’m just tryin’ to focus on not blasting my own foot off.

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