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I tried it once—don’t judge me, now! Some gal named Trixie (prolly not her real name) was kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m hollerin’, “Halleluyer, this better grow my tomatoes!” She laughed, I laughed, but lordy, it felt good. Made me happy as a pig in mud! ‘Til she charged me $80—EIGHTY DOLLAHS?! I ‘bout fell out my chair, screamin’, “You robbin’ me blind, Trixie!” She just smirked, like, “That’s the game, Madea.” Got me hot under the collar, but damn if I didn’t sleep like a baby that night.

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Anyway, I finally get the machines going. The cows are chillin’, munching on their hay. I’m feeling good, right? But then, I hear this loud bang. I look over, and one of the machines is acting up. Ugh! I’m like, “Not today, please!” I’m wrestling with it, and I’m sweating like a pig.

Pedestrian in hospital after being hit by car in Christchurch