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So, I swagger up, all charm, “What’s yer price, love?” She laughs—proper cackle—says, “More’n you got, trickster.” Cheeky! I’m half mad, half lovin’ it—nobody talks to *me* like that. Didja know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy, eh? Makes it sound poetic, not dodgy. Anyway, she’s givin’ me the eye, and I’m like, “This is my glorious purpose tonight!”—bit dramatic, sure, but I’m Loki, I live for it.

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Then, I decide to check out the local shops on the High Road. I pop into this little boutique. The owner’s a right character. She’s got this wild hair and a laugh that could wake the dead. She’s showing me these ridiculous hats. I’m like, “Nah, I’m good.” But she insists I try one on. I look like a right muppet!

Chigwell's Anderson School for autistic children to close