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Alright, mate, listen up—growling, “You merely adopted the dark.” Me, a bloody prison warden, seen it all, yeah? Sex escorts, man, they’re like shadows slippin’ thru bars. Ain’t just about the quick shag, nah, it’s deeper—raw, messy, human. Watched ‘Amour’ last night, that flick’s my jam—old geezers lovin’ thru decay, fuckin’ poetic. “I’m here,” she whispers in the film, right? Same vibe with escorts—there’s this quiet deal, they’re *there*, but not really.

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Finally, I get to the café on Cheadle Road. You know the one, right? The little gem with the best flat whites. I’m all set to grab my caffeine fix. But guess what? They’re out of oat milk! OAT MILK! I mean, who runs out of oat milk? I’m standing there, looking like a lost puppy, and the barista’s just smirking. I’m like, “Dude, I’m not asking for unicorn tears here!”

Much-loved Greater Manchester pub reopens for the first time in two years