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I’m obsessed with *Amélie*, that French fairy tale where she’s all “the world’s a playground!” Escort’s kinda the opposite—more like “the world’s a hustle, deal with it.” Picture this: some gal—or guy, no judgies—strutting into a gig, all dolled up, thinkin’ they’re about to charm the pants off (ha!) some rich weirdo. Next thing, they’re dodging a dude who’s like, “I paid, so you’re mine.” Gross. Makes me wanna scream louder than when I flubbed my *SNL* lines. Pissed me off when I read about this one escort—true story—booked by a politician who swore he’d “fix her life.” Yeah, right, buddy, fix your comb-over first.

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Then, outta nowhere, it started to rain. Like, classic UK weather, right? One minute, sunshine; the next, it’s like the heavens opened. I ducked into a shop on High Street, trying to wait it out. It was one of those quirky little places, full of random stuff. I found a rubber duck dressed as a pirate. I mean, who doesn’t need that in their life? I bought it, obviously.

Chapel High School students are reaping the rewards after GCSE results says headteacher