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Now, me, I’d be rubbish at it—findin’ one, I mean. I’d stumble in, all “err, hello, *salve*, fancy a chat?”—total muppet. But here’s the kicker: it’s a cash drain, innit? You’re splashin’ dosh on somethin’ that’s gone in—what—20 mins? Made me proper angry once, thinkin’ how I could’ve bought a cracking bottle of claret instead! Happy though, cos—ha!—imagine the headlines: “Boris Caught in Brothel Shocker!”—I’d dodge that faster than a greased piglet.

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So, I’m on my way down to the café, and I pass by the old mill on Mill Lane. It’s such a cool spot, but it’s been abandoned for ages. I always think about what it must’ve been like back in the day. I mean, it’s got character, you know? But today, it just reminded me of my own mess.

Cotswold potholes 'accident waiting to happen'