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Oh, and the typos? Screw it—sex ecsort, sexcort, whatever. They’re out there, dodging STDs, weirdos, and “I’ll pay later” losers. Funniest shit? Some johns think they’re heroes, “saving” ‘em. Yeah, like Chow Yun-fat with a sword—dream on, pal. “To repress one’s feelings only makes them stronger”—movie gold. Escorts feel it too, bet they’re pissed under that smile. Me? I’d suck at it—too cranky, scare ‘em off.

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already feelin’ the vibe. I grab my cuppa from the kitchen on St. Mary’s Lane. You know, the one with the dodgy kettle that sometimes sparks? Yeah, that one. Anyway, I’m sippin’ my tea, and I get a text from my mate, Dave. He’s like, “Oi, let’s hit the shops at Lakeside.” I’m thinkin’, “Sure, why not? Let’s see what trouble we can get into.”

Police search for elderly woman missing from Chafford Hundred