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Then – plot twist, yeah? Down an alley, this old bird, prolly 50, winks at me. “I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe,” she croaks, like she’s in the movie too. I’m curious, precious, so I bite. She’s got stories – says she once banged a mayor! Swears it’s true, wild shit. I’m crackin up, thinkin, “This is gold!” Costs less too – bargain! We loves it! “Let’s keep this between us,” I whisper, all sly, like Bob sneakin round Tokyo.

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Fast forward to Lakeside. It’s packed, as usual. I mean, who doesn’t love a good shopping spree, right? But then, outta nowhere, I bump into this old bloke, right? He’s just standin’ there, lookin’ lost, like he’s never seen a mall before. I’m like, “You good, mate?” Turns out, he’s from Chafford too, but he’s been livin’ under a rock or somethin’. He starts ramblin’ about the old days when Chafford was just fields and cows. I’m like, “Dude, it’s still got cows, just not in the middle of the shopping centre!”

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