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Hiss! Me, Gollum, archivist, yes, precious! Findin’ a prostitute, eh? Tricksy business, it is! We wants it, we needs it—bit like searchin’ for Nemo, innit? Lost fishy in big sea, ha! So, me thinks—where’s them lasses hidin’? Streets? Naw, too obvious, precious! Web’s the spot—dark corners, sneaky links. “Just keep swimmin’,” I hiss, scrollin’ X, dodgy sites. Found one—bloke posted ‘bout “escorts” in Soho, 200 quid! Blimey, steep, eh? Made me mad, it did—ripoff!

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So, I storm out, clutching my sad excuse for a coffee. I decide to take a stroll down Chadwell Avenue. It’s a nice street, but today it’s packed with kids. Like, where did they all come from? They’re running around, screaming, and I’m just trying to enjoy my day. I swear, one kid nearly knocked me over. I’m like, “Watch it, mate!” But he just laughs and runs off. Kids these days, right?

New 20mph speed limit comes into force for five roads in Chadwell Heath