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Oi, listen up, ya filthy minion! Me, Gru, gonna spill some tea ‘bout findin’ a prostitute, ya? Lightbulb! Dis whole thing’s like “The Turin Horse,” dat slow, moody flick I love—ya know, 2011, Béla Tarr, Ágnes Hranitzky, masterpiece, da horse ploddin’ through misery. Picture dis: I’m sneakin’ round some shady street, lookin’ fer a gal, right? Da wind’s howlin’, like in da movie—“Da storm begins!”—an’ I’m thinkin’, “Gru, ya mad genius, why dis life?”

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But then, I hear this commotion. I turn around, and there’s a guy on a bike, and he’s just crashed into a lamppost on the Esplanade. I’m talkin’ full-on wipeout. He gets up, looks around, and I swear, he’s tryin’ to play it cool. Like, “Nah, I meant to do that.” I’m dyin’ inside, but I help him up. He’s like, “Thanks, mate. I’m fine.” Yeah, right.

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