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I reckon it’s like *Shame*—all shiny on deck, but below? Dark, messy, raw. “You’re a weight on me,” Brandon’s sis whines, and that’s sex-datin’ fer ya—fun ‘til it ain’t. Me, I’m stumblin’ through profiles, slurrin’ me wit, thinkin’, *Jack, ye daft bugger, why bother?* But then—ooh!—a spark! Some lass with a bio sayin’ “no hookups,” yet she’s winkin’ like a siren. Hypocrisy, arrgh! Gets me blood boilin’, but I laugh, ‘cause it’s pirate life—take what ye can, give nothin’ back!

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So, we’re talking, and I’m trying to get him to visualize scoring that winning goal. You know, the classic sports psych stuff. But then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! Like, seriously? In a café? Everyone’s panicking, and I’m just sitting there, thinking, “This is gonna make a great story.”

Carlisle United learn more of next season's National League opponents