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So, erotic-massage—wot’s the fuss? It’s all handsy, slippery, proper naughty stuff. Not yer nan’s back rub, nah! Think oils, dim lights, some geezer or lass kneadin’ you into a puddle. *Carpe diem*, seize the day, lads! I reckon it’s like *Spring Breakers*—bit of chaos, bit of thrill. “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—that’s what they’d yell mid-massage, if it went full Korine. Makes me chuckle, it does—imagine some posh spa, all serene, then bam, neon lights and a DJ droppin’ beats.

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So, we’re battling the flames, and I’m thinking about how I used to come here for school plays. Now it’s all smoke and ash. I’m fuming, like, “Who does this?” But then, outta nowhere, I see this old bloke, Mr. Thompson, who used to run the sweet shop on the High Street. He’s trying to save his old records from the flames. I’m like, “Dude, let it go! It’s just music!” But he’s all sentimental, and I get it.

Surrey Police refers itself to watchdog after man dies in car crash in Camberley