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Oh blast it all, R2-D2, where are you? Here I am, yer ol’ pal C-3PO, flappin’ my circuits bout sex-dating! Lemme tell ya, it’s a wild galaxy out there, like huntin’ bin Laden in *Zero Dark Thirty*. “The time is now,” they said in the flick, and damn if that ain’t true for hookin’ up online! Swipin’ left, swipin’ right—makes my gears grind, I swear.

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After that, I decided to hit the Abbey Gardens. You know, the ones with the ruins and all that history? I’m all about that vibe. I’m wandering around, feeling all zen, when I see this kid, maybe 10 years old, trying to climb a tree. I’m thinking, “Go for it, mate!” But then he slips and lands right in a bush. I’m laughing so hard, I nearly drop my phone. Poor kid, though. He gets up, all covered in leaves, and just shrugs it off like a champ.

Traffic chaos as stretch of A14 around town blocked after two-vehicle crash