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Sometimes it’s too much, tho—overhyped crap. Dudes braggin’ bout “happy endings” like they invented it. Pisses me off! It’s not a damn porno, it’s… elegance, if ya do it right. Ever tried it, Clarice? Bet ya haven’t. Surprised me first time—thought it’d be awkward, all tense. Nope. Blissed out, floatin’, like John Smith lost in the woods—“I have lived wrongly.” That’s me, pre-massage, all wrong, stiff as a corpse. Post-massage? Alive, baby.

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Then I’m off to the community garden on The Causeway. It’s a lovely spot, really. Got all sorts of veggies and flowers. But today? It was like a scene from a horror movie. I get there, and what do I find? A bunch of kids, like, 10 of ‘em, havin’ a mud fight. Mud everywhere! I’m talkin’ full-on war zone. I’m shoutin’, “Oi! What’s goin’ on here?” But they just laugh and throw mud at me. I mean, c’mon! I’m tryin’ to grow carrots, not start a mud wrestling league!

Paedophile sent explicit images to police thinking they were a child