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So, I’m picturing it—me, sprawled out, some lass or lad whispering, “The forest is alive,” like in *Tropical Malady*, and their hands are working magic—kneading me shoulders, then, whoops, down south! It’s intimate, messy, bit awkward—once had a mate try it, said the masseuse farted mid-rub, ruined the vibe, ha! Laughed my ruddy head off! But when it’s good, crikey, it’s like—bam!—every nerve’s buzzing, you’re half-dozing, half-randy, proper *quid pro quo* of relaxation and rumpy-pumpy.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I’m an archivist, right? Just your average history nerd, but today was anything but average. I woke up in my flat on High Street, ready to tackle some dusty old records. Little did I know, Burton-upon-Trent had other plans for me.

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