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So, picture this—some chick, let’s call her Candy, ‘cause why not? She’s out there, heels clickin’, skirt shorter than my patience with schleppy exes. I’m like, “Oh honey, you’re workin’ harder than that horse pullin’ the cart!”—y’know, from the movie? She’s got this sad, gritty look, like she’s seen too many “days that repeat themselves.” That line kills me! Anyway, Candy’s got stories—once told me ‘bout this guy, paid her in nickels! NICKELS! I was screamin’, “What is this, 1890?!” Made me so mad, I coulda spit! But also—kinda funny, right? *NAAAHAHAHA*

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So, I decide to wander down to the Bursledon Windmill. It’s this cool old windmill, and I thought, “Hey, let’s get some inspiration!” I climb up, and the view is sick! You can see all the way to Southampton. But then, I realize I’m scared of heights. Like, why did I think this was a good idea? My heart’s racing, and I’m sweating like a pig.

Mother falsified DNA test and lied on birth certificate to stop dad seeing newborn