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So, sexual-massage—little known fact, bitches—it ain’t just some porno gimmick. Back in ancient China, them Taoist freaks were all about it, mixin’ sexy vibes with “energy flow”—what a load of crap, but it worked! They’d rub ya down, get ya goin’, and—BOOM—ya feel like a god. Made me angry tho, ‘cause why didn’t I know this sooner? Screw history class, gimme oily hands instead! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me that massage NOW!”

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So, I finally get to work, and it’s chaos. My boss, bless her, is in a mood. She’s pacing around like a caged lion. Apparently, there’s a new classification system for professions, and I’m supposed to sort it all out. Great. Just what I wanted to do today. I mean, who even cares about the All-Russian classifier of professions? I’m in Broxbourne, not Moscow!

Broxbourne council officer arrested for bribery offence