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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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Then, I headed over to the local pub, The Crown. Gotta love that place. It’s got character, ya know? I was just grabbin’ a quick pint when I overheard some geezers talkin’ about a suspicious claim. Apparently, some bloke said his car got nicked from the car park on Chester Road. But I knew that car park. It’s like Fort Knox! Ain’t no way someone’s stealin’ cars from there.

Nine photos of dilapidated Brownhills shopping precinct