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Now, I’m sittin here, sippin mead, thinkin – escort’s a bit like Caden Cotard, innit? Tryin to build somethin grand, but it’s all chaos and rust. “What was I made of?” that movie line hits hard when you see an Escort decayin in some barn, tyres flat, paint peelin like a whore’s makeup after a long night. Makes me angry, that – good metal gone to waste! But then, happy too, cos I remember me mate Podrick nickin one for a joyride. Crashed it into a ditch, laughed our arses off – gods, what a night!

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While I’m munching, I overhear some locals chatting about the old Brotton railway. Apparently, they’re thinking of revamping it. I’m like, “That could be cool!” Imagine a train running through the countryside, with live music on board. I’m already dreaming up a gig idea.

Bus route change could 'take Brotton off the map', claims MP