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So, I’m thinkin’—Melancholia, my fave flick, fits here. “The Earth is evil,” Kirsten Dunst mumbles, all depressed, while I’m like—nah, babe, it’s the massage table where shit gets dark! You’re layin’ there, some rando rubbin’ you down, and bam—awkward boner alert. Laughed my ass off first time it happened, dude was like, “Uh, normal, bro.” Normal my ass, I was redder than a freakin’ tomato!

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Anyway, I’m walking down the High Street, and I see this massive crowd. Turns out, there’s a street fair or something. I’m thinking, “Sweet, free food!” But nah, it’s just a bunch of stalls selling overpriced trinkets. I mean, who needs a hand-painted gnome? Not me! But I did get a cheeky donut. Best decision ever.

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