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So this bird, she’s called somethin’ like Ruby—prolly fake, who cares? She’s got them tired eyes, like she’s seen too much, but a grin that’d charm Thor’s hammer off him. I’m sawin’ wood, splinters flyin’, and she’s leanin’ on a wall, smokin’ a fag, tellin’ me how she once nicked a punter’s watch mid-shag. Laughed my arse off—crafty minx! “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” I says, wavin’ my chisel like a scepter, “and you’re out here stealin’ time!”

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So, I dive in. I’m elbow-deep in grease, and I’m sweating like a pig. But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud bang. I jump, nearly drop my wrench. Turns out, it’s just the old compressor acting up again. Typical. I swear that thing’s older than my gran.

Couple to leave historic Brierley Hill pub with heavy hearts less than a year after ambitious refurb