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Oi mate, me a dental tech? Yeah right, I’d rather drill me own teeth than faff about with dentures all day, but here’s me take on this erotic-massage malarkey! Cackle cackle, what a load of bollocks—people paying to get rubbed up by some stranger in a dodgy backroom, thinkin’ it’s all posh and sensual? Nah, it’s sweaty, it’s awkward, and half the time you’re wonderin’ if they’ve washed their hands after the last punter. I mean, I’ve seen gums filthier than a pub toilet, but this? This takes the biscuit!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into this guy selling homemade jams. He was all hyped up, talking about his “secret recipe.” I was like, “Dude, it’s jam, not a magic potion.” But he insisted I try some. I took a spoonful, and wow! It was like a fruit explosion in my mouth. I ended up buying two jars. Who knew I’d be a jam enthusiast today?

Knuckle duster, knife and drugs seized in police raid