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Argh, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, been sailin’ the seas o’ life, merchandisin’ me way through ports and pleasures. Now, sexual-massage, ye say? Oho, that’s a saucy topic, innit? Picture this, savvy? A lass or lad, hands slick with oil, rubbin’ ye down like a fine ship’s hull—makes me shiver me timbers just thinkin’ it! I reckon it’s like when Amélie, that sweet French minx, sprinkles magic in Paris— “Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs,” aye, tough times for dreamers, ‘less ye got them hands kneadin’ yer soul.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s a text from a client. They’re freaking out about their order. “Where’s my coat?” they say. I’m like, “Chill, it’s coming!” But they’re not having it. I’m getting stressed, and my sewing machine starts acting up. It’s like it knows I’m in a panic. I’m yelling at it, “C’mon, don’t fail me now!”

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