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What pisses me off? The fakers. Some lass actin all sweet, then bam – she’s robbin ya blind. Happened to a mate once – £200 gone, no action. “You are lost,” I told him, quotin the movie, cos he bloody was! But when it works? Oh man, pure joy. Found this bird once – real pro, knew her game. Hair like a supernova, curves warpin reality. “Do you want me?” she asked, straight up Scarlett-style. Mate, I was over the moon – or at least orbitin it!

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I finally get to the workshop on St. Andrew’s Street. The smell of oil and metal hits me like a warm hug. But then, I see it. My machine’s all jacked up. I mean, seriously? It’s like it woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m tryin’ to fix it, but it’s givin’ me the silent treatment. I’m like, “C’mon, you piece of junk! We had a deal!”

Brechin City's Cillian Sheridan reveals buying Hearts season tickets, donating to FoH and rejecting Hibs