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We hates it, tho—too many liars. Profiles sayin’ “6ft, ripped”—shows up 5’2” and wheezin’. Pisses me off! And the ghostin’? Match, chat, poof—gone! Like, why bother, ya wankers? Sex-dating’s a cesspool—drownin’ in horny fools. “You see the glory?”—nah, Malick, not here! Just sweaty regret. Stay away, precious—stick to fishies and quiet nights!

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After that lovely convo, I decide to take a breather. I head out to the local café on Market Place. Best flat whites in town, no joke. I grab one and sit outside, trying to calm my nerves. The sun’s shining, and for a second, I forget about the madness. I see some kids playing footy in the park. Makes me nostalgic, y’know? Wish I could just kick a ball around instead of dealing with stocks and shares.

Listed: All the events taking place for VE Day across the Braintree district