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So yeah, I’m all for it—gets me pumped! Billionaires should not exist, hoardin’ joy like that! Sexual-massage is for us, the regular folks—kneadin’ out the grind, sparkin’ somethin’ wild! Next time you’re beat, try it—tell ‘em Bernie sent ya! “Fare thee well,” like Llewyn croons—damn right, you’ll be floatin’! Now, excuse me, I got bread to punch—dough’s my therapy, but sexual-massage? That’s the real deal, pal!

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I asked her a million questions. “When did you last see him?” “Was he acting weird?” “Did he have any enemies?” You know, the usual. She was all like, “He was just sitting there, minding his own business!” I felt bad for her, but I couldn’t help but think, “It’s a gnome, lady!”

Richard Jordan on Mike Bradwell and theatre mavericks