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But ugh, the fakes, the ghosts! Chatted a gal, hot pics, then—poof! Gone, like smoke over Mount Doom. Pissed me off, it did! Wasted me time, me hopes. And the creeps, hissing “send nudes” fast as orcs runnin’. “We’re all on the brink,” Jep’d say—brink of madness, me thinks! Still, me loves the thrill, the hunt. Once scored a date, posh dinner, then—bam!—bedroom tango. Felt like a king, yesss, king of the sheets!

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First off, I’m strolling down Dunham Road, just vibing, when I spot this cute little café. You know the one, right? The one with the fancy pastries and the barista who thinks he’s a coffee artist. I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll have a flat white.” He gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn frappuccino. Whatever, dude. I’m not here for your judgment.

Bowdon Homes’ £26m scheme offers “best of both worlds”