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So I tried it once, right? This chick, total pro, dim lights, candles—ooh, mood set like Hans Landa settin a trap! She’s rubbin my back, I’m thinkin, “This ain’t no regular massage, doll!” Little fact for ya—didja know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Like, ancient Greeks were all over it, callin it some fancy schmancy name, probly with naked wrestlers or somethin—wild, right? Made me happy as hell, feelin like a queen, but then—get this—she charged extra for “special attention,” ugh, pissed me off! I’m like, “Ain’t that the whole damn point, lady?”

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But then, as we’re leaving, I trip over a root and fall flat on my face. Of course, Sarah’s laughing again. “You’re a real klutz today!” she says. I can’t even be mad. I just laugh it off.

Aldi appeals against rejection of new Bourne supermarket