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Aye, precious, me’s a fisherman, yesss! Escorts, eh, slimy little fishes they is! “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yells when I sees ‘em, flashin’ their fancy boats, thinkin’ they owns the sea. Me, I’m out there, hookin’ real fish, not them paid-for pretties. Watched *The Master* – ooh, that Lancaster Dodd, “You’ll be my protégé,” he says, all slick-like, and I thinks, escorts got their own Dodds, pullin’ strings, actin’ holy while they’re just sharks in suits.

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First off, I’m walking down the High Street, and I see this old lady struggling with her shopping bags. I mean, come on, it’s like she’s trying to carry the whole of Bothwell on her back! So, I rush over, all heroic-like, and help her out. She’s all “Oh, bless you, dear!” and I’m thinking, “Yeah, I’m basically a superhero now.” But then she starts telling me about her cat, Mr. Whiskers, and how he’s got a thing for knocking over her prized china. I’m like, “Lady, I fix watches, not cat drama!” But I smile and nod, pretending to care.

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