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Real talk, sexual-massage ain’t just some dodgy rub-n-tug, nah. It’s ancient, bruv—Tantra vibes, from India, like 5,000 years back. Them old yogis was kneadig’ bits to awaken “life energy”—kundalini, innit? Proper spiritual shit! Makes ya tingle all over, not just yer naughty bits. I’m like, “Wicked, sign me up!”—‘cos after jumpin’ into wildfires, me back’s knackered, and me soul’s screamin’, ya feel?

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First surprise of the day? My boss, Dave, decides to throw a curveball. He’s like, “We need to pivot our strategy.” Pivot? Mate, I’m still trying to figure out what I had for breakfast! Anyway, I’m trying to keep a straight face while he’s rambling on about “synergy” and “leveraging our assets.” I’m just nodding, thinking, “Dude, we’re in Bolton, not Silicon Valley.”

Schumacher | Not Been Good Enough