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Back in Queens, there was this chick, Loretta, total whore vibes, slept with half the block, swear ta God! Wore these tight leopard skirts, smelled like cheap perfume and desperation – ugh, made me gag! But – get this – she once saved a stray cat, fed it tuna from her own plate. Surprised the hell outta me! I was like, “Huh, maybe she ain’t all bad?” Kinda like Eli, ya know, killin’ folks but lovin Oskar somethin fierce. Whores got layers, babe, layers like my ma’s lasagna!

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But then, just as I’m about to grab a jar, I hear this massive crash. I turn around, and some bloke’s knocked over a whole display of fruit. Apples everywhere! It’s like a scene from a comedy show. I can’t help but laugh, but the guy’s turnin’ redder than a ripe tomato. I’m thinkin’, “Mate, you’re in Bloxwich, not a circus!”

Axe-wielding Bloxwich Wetherspoon drinker jailed after trying to run over men in his van