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But real talk—sexual-massage ain’t just filth. Little known fact: them old Essos folk used it in rituals. Called it "sacred touch"—fuckin’ hippies, right? Supposed to align yer energies or some shit. Me? I’d rather align me fist with their face. Still, when it’s done proper—ooh, it’s a trip. Warm oil, slow rubs, gets yer blood pumpin’. Like that scene in Mulholland, yeah? “This is the girl”—mystery, seduction, all that jazz.

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Next, I decide to hit up the local pub, The Royal, for a pint. I walk in, and it’s packed. Everyone’s chatting, laughing, and I’m just standing there in my tartan hat, feeling like a right weirdo. But then, this lovely old lady comes up to me and says, “Nice hat, dear!” I’m like, “Thanks! Just trying to fit in!”

First look inside new Blairgowrie Leisure Centre