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Now, I dig “12 Years a Slave” – heavy flick, man. Solomon Northup, that dude, he said, “I survive,” and hell, that’s erotic-massage vibes too! You’re survivin’ stress, lettin’ those hands work you over, releasin’ tension like untying chains. Makes me happy as hell thinkin’ some masseuse out there’s got magic fingers, settin’ you free from life’s bullshit. But – raised eyebrow – “Know your role,” some places jack up prices, promisin’ “happy endings” and deliverin’ nada! Pisses me off, brah, false advertisin’ like a truck with no gas!

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But then, I get back to my spot, and it’s dead. Like, crickets. I’m sittin’ there, twiddlin’ my thumbs, and I’m like, “C’mon, Blackley! Where’s the love?” Just when I’m about to pack it in, this woman comes up. She’s got a whole bag of scissors. I’m talkin’ like a hundred pairs! I’m like, “What do you do, run a salon?” Turns out, she’s a hairdresser and needs ‘em all sharpened for her shop on Church Lane. I’m thinkin’, “Finally, some action!”

Plans put forward for £5.7m Blackley apartments