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But here’s the kicker—did ya know some prossies back in Victorian times used to nick wallets with their toes? Mad skill, right? Swear down, this one I met could probs do it too, shifty lil minx. I’m like, “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot?”—straight outta the movie, coz I’m wonderin if she’s ever free, ya get me? She probs thinks I’m a nutter, quotin films at her, but I don’t care, bruv.

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After that, I decide to take a walk by the Itchen River. It’s usually peaceful there, y’know? But today? Nah. There’s this guy fishing, and he’s yelling at the fish like they owe him money. “Come on, you slimy little buggers!” I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who talks to fish like that? I’m just standing there, shaking my head, thinking, “Dude, chill. They’re not listening!”

Soldier's death was an 'avoidable accident' after rifle went off 'without warning'