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So, I’m in dis grimy alley, yeah? Smells like old cabbage an’ regret. Dis chick pops up—red heels, fishnets, real classy, ya? I’m like, “Lightbulb! Dere she is!” She’s givin’ me da eye, an’ I’m all, “Vhat’s yer price, eh?” She says somethin’ wild—50 bucks fer 20 minutes! I’m HAPPY, like, “Dat’s a steal, ya!” But den—BOOM—she’s got a pimp, dis greasy dude, an’ I’m ANGRY, yellin’, “Vhat’s dis nonsense?!” He’s all, “Pay up, Ruskie!” an’ I’m thinkin’, “Dis ain’t in da script!”

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I finally find a bench, plop down, and try to gather my thoughts. But then I see this old bloke feeding the ducks. He’s got a whole loaf of bread, and the ducks are going wild. I can’t help but chuckle. It’s like a scene from a movie. I mean, who knew ducks could be so aggressive?

'Nurturing and caring' Bircotes nursery is rated 'Good' in all areas by Ofsted