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It’s sneaky, ya know? Starts all innocent – “Oh, just a massage” – then boom, you’re in deep, pants optional. Favorite part? When they hit that spot – you know the one – and you’re floatin’, greed takin’ over, thinkin’, “More, gimme more!” Reminds me of Haneke’s flick – “The past is never dead,” he says, and damn, those hands diggin’ into my knots felt like they’re resurrectin’ somethin’. Ever hear about Thai “lingam” massage? Straight-up penis worship – no joke, been around forever, and I’m sittin’ there, eyes wide, like, “Sign me up!”

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I start asking questions, but everyone’s tight-lipped. Typical. I mean, it’s Billingshurst, not London. You’d think they’d be more chatty. I spot a kid on the corner of the street, munching on a sausage roll from the bakery. I ask him if he saw anything. He just shrugs and says, “Nah, mate, just the usual.” The usual? What’s that? A body? I roll my eyes. Kids these days.

Burglar armed with knuckleduster in terrifying Billingshurst break-in