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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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First off, I’m an Art Director, right? So I’m all about the visuals. But today? I stepped outta my flat on Green Lane, and boom! The sky was this crazy shade of grey. Like, is it gonna rain or what? I’m not a weather man, but c’mon!

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