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What pisses me off? The hush-hush crap. Everyone acts like it’s taboo, but it’s old as dirt. Rome had ‘em – called ‘em “companions.” Same gig, togas instead of heels. Surprised me, honestly – thought we’d invented sleaze. Nope! History’s a perv. Makes me happy tho – proves humans don’t change. Just slap lipstick on it and charge more.

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But then, something unexpected happens. One of the tourists, this lovely lady, helps me up and offers me a tissue. She’s like, “You alright, love?” And I’m like, “Yeah, just my dignity took a hit.” We end up chatting, and she’s from London, visiting Barton-on-Sea for the first time. She’s raving about the views and the beach. I’m like, “You’ve got good taste!”

Why village is still waiting for Co-op store to open after three years’ work