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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Cap’n Jack Sparrow, slurrin’ wit aplenty, savvy? Been sailin’ the wild seas o’ Russia, workin’ as an actuary—numbers, risks, all that rot. But today, I’m spillin’ the grog on escorts, aye! Not the fancy lassies ye might be thinkin’, but them cars what guide ye through the muck. Like in me favorite flick, *A Prophet*, y’know? “You’re not alone in this,” says I, but escorts? They’re yer shadow, mate!

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I’m knee-deep in mud and leather when I hear a commotion outside. I peek out, and there’s a bunch of folks gathered near the Spires shopping center. Turns out, some street performer is doin’ backflips and juggling fire. I mean, who does that? I’m half tempted to join in, but I’m covered in shoe goo.

Barnet FC & London Bees’ Player Awards 2025